Down the rabbit hole

Down the rabbit hole... that's about how I feel that the last month has been for me.

I haven't posted since July 27th.... almost a whole month.

During that time I have been busy, busy, BUSY! And I hate to admit it but I will... I got really lazy with the weight loss plans and I have been on and off plan since July 30th with most of it spent OFF.

We had a few weekends in a row of having a garage sale and although I started out with the attitude that I was not going to let that derail my staying on plan, it was quickly abandoned partway through the first day. It was so hot, so chaotic and I was so exhausted that I just gave in to the "run through a drive-thru" or "order pizza" temptations. I knew I was burning a lot more calories than usual with all the activity surrounding the garage sale... lots of digging through boxes, lifting and carrying boxes and tons of moving around and not much sitting around. Plus, lots of sweating! But I suppose all the extra calorie-burning wasn't doing much good since at meal time I was eating high-calorie and high-sodium JUNK!

Oh well. But I promised I would be honest here and to myself and that's what happened.

Then right after our second garage sale was done, I came down with a MASSIVE attack of my Crohn's disease. Had a major blockage in fact that was extremely painful. The blockage cleared after the first day but then my system was just sort of "in shock" and I had to be very careful what I ate. I stayed off plan on purpose and kept to a very limited diet of pasta, cheese, chips (corn based, not wheat), ham, etc. No veggies, fruits (except bananas), whole grains or hard-to-digest meats. I spent a lot of time resting on the couch and took a lot of painkillers.

I let my TSFL Health Coach know what had happened and how I was dealing with it so I did feel accountable to someone. :) She was off enjoying a week of camping with her family but she still kept tabs on me.

It took me several weeks to get over the big CD attack and even now, 3 weeks later, I still get a little sore.

We also had several events planned where I did not want to be on plan... good friends and good food. But I knew I had to re-draw that proverbial line in the sand and get back on plan at some point. So today is that day. Today I am back on plan and will stay so until Friday. We have planned that day to go to the State Fair so I will enjoy that day and then get right back on plan the next day.

After that, I should be able to stay on plan for about the next 3 weeks until our next planned festival day which is the local big Oktoberfest. We actually attend that every year with our good friends who are also my TSFL health coaches so all of us will be straying off plan that day! :) This year some other friends and family will also attend.

My Crohn's attack was not a complete surprise although it was much worse than I had expected it to. In July I experienced a very stressful couple of weeks when one of my family members verbally and emotionally attacked me unprovoked and completely out of nowhere. He also physically threatened my husband and made me very fearful to be home alone. He is a drug addict and (recent) ex-convict who is now obviously showing some mental instability as well.

I had several weeks of experiencing a lot of extreme stress, fear and trouble sleeping. My Crohn's does react to stress that I experience but it is always a delayed reaction so I knew some sort of attack would come.

I weighed myself today and I am up 3.2lbs since my last weigh-in on 7/27. I was pleasantly surprised it was not more. I was expecting a higher number. I have not used my treadmill since 7/19 which is just plain embarrassing. So I've got to get back into the swing of that! We are also possibly buying a used BowFlex system from a good friend so that will be good.

So that's my check-in for today. I plan to continue on with the book I was working through as it is very good and a great daily motivator for me. One obstacle I will have in the next 2 months though is that this time of year I am pretty busy with work deadlines on top of all the personal life stuff. And work deadlines have to take priority over me keeping up with my daily reading and especially, blogging about it.

Day 12: Fuel or filler

Our bodies need the proper fuel to keep us energized. Many of the snack foods we so love are just filler and are not proper fuel for our bodies. We need to be sure we keep on hand (at home, while out and about, when we travel, etc) foods that are better choices as fuel and are not just filler.

We can still have the "filler" foods, we just need to limit the portions and savor the tastes of them.

I really see the evidence of that with Medifast. The Medifast meals are very small and run 90-110 calories each. But I can be really hungry, eat one Medifast meal, and the hunger goes away and I have the energy I need for the next few hours. Within 2-3 hours, my body is reminding me that it's time for another small meal.

This is the part where Medifast really works for me. I own my own company and work from home. When I am not on Medifast, I really struggle with eating breakfast and lunch. My tendency is to skip breakfast and drink my latte (now an americano) as my "breakfast." Then for lunch I would grab whatever I could scrounge up or a diet frozen meal. Or I would not eat and end up searching out chips and other snacks late in the afternoon. I would overeat at dinner and then continue to snack throughout the evening.

My energy levels SUCKED and I could feel my blood sugar was wildly up and down. And I'm not diabetic. My moods and my ability to concentrate was also all over the board and often I had days when I felt I got *nothing* done.

Now that I am a few weeks back into being on Medifast, I am reminded how I felt last year when I was on it. My blood sugar is level, my energy is up, my concentration is better and I'm getting a lot done during the day and clearing my desk of some of those awful piles. And I don't have to figure out what to eat. I have a choice of all the MF items (the ones I like) throughout the day.

So I do eat every 2-3 hours and usually by 4:30pm (when I start making dinner) I've had 3 MF meals, sometimes 4. I am hungry for dinner, but not dying for it.

Dinners do take some planning. Planning for what to have. Shopping for the ingredients. And pulling out items from the freezer to defrost in time to cook them. And constantly searching for and thinking up new meals that fit (mostly) within the Medifast "lean and green" parameters.

Last time I was on MF I know that a lot of my undoing was the pure boredom from the food that was available for me to eat when I was on plan. Towards the end I got lazy with the dinners and felt that if I saw another grilled porkchop and green salad I was going to murder someone.

Now, I look forward to dinner. I look forward to preparing it and I look forward to enjoying eating it with my husband.

I also keep some of the Medifast meals (cheese puffs, pretzels, soy crisps) in the back of my vehicle so if I find myself out and about and hungry, I have something I can eat while driving and therefore can fend off the urge to buy fast food.

Yesterday's Foods:

9:30am: Medifast oatmeal

noon: Medifast oatmeal raisin bar

4pm: Medifast dark chocolate shake with coffee/water mixed in

5pm: bonesless skinless chicken thighs, pasta, green beans

11pm: Medifast chocolate pudding, 1 tsp PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter, 15 choc chips, 2 tsp fat free Cool Whip

Exercise: Treadmill 35 min, 2.5 speed, no incline, 1.5 miles, 154 calories burned; 1.5 mile walk with the dogs outside

Weight: down 1.4lbs from previous day, down 10.8lbs since starting back on MF, down 15.4lbs from heaviest weight

Day 11: Two purposes of food

This chapter stresses that we need to keep in mind that there are two purposes for food:

1. To fuel our bodies
2. To appreciate flavors

In other words, don't eat because you are upset or just bored!

Such simple advice. And so true. I need to keep that in my head.

The late nights when my husband works are the hardest. I get lonely and I find myself craving snacks. But if I'm good, and eat a Medifast meal after dinner, I'm usually able to fend off the snack monster. I also keep in my head the advice from an earlier chapter; that I can have that late-night snack at a later date.

Yesterday's Foods:

9:15am: half of a Slim Fast shake (had to eat on the run on the way to church). I could not afford to order more of the Medifast ready-to-drink shakes right now so I did some research and found out that the Slim Fast Low Carb shakes are the best tasting and safest replacement. "Safe" meaning the closest in nutritional value and carb content to Medifast shakes as opposed to other brands of shakes out there. The Slim Fast Low Carb shakes are almost 200 calories though and that is equal to about two Medifast meals so I purposefully did not drink the whole shake.

12:15pm: Medifast chicken & wild rice soup with some oyster crackers, sugar free Red Bull.

3pm: Medifast brownie

5pm: grilled porkchop, a bit of leftover pulled pork, baked beans, green salad

8pm: 2 Otterpops (25 cal each but not sugar free)

10pm: Medifast fruit & nut crunch bar

Exercise: none besides normal daily activities.

Weight: down 1.2lbs from previous day, down 9.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 14lbs from heaviest weight

Day 10: Appreciate good support

This chapter is about how to receive compliments and how to respond to them. We need to not respond in any way negative or the person may feel that their compliment does not mean anything to us.

I so struggle with this. As I've written before, I long for people to notice my weight loss but at the same time I soooo dread it! I just do NOT want to talk about my weight and/or diet.

Due to this inner struggle, I am guilty of not giving compliments when I should. Over the past year I've known several people who lost a good amount of weight on Medifast. I haven't given a single one of them a compliment.

I feel really bad about that.

I just can't get the words out as that would start a discussion about weight and attention on me and the weight I need to lose.

Wow. Makes me sound like a horrible person, doesn't it?

Yesterday's Foods: Yesterday I took a day off plan and enjoyed the day with my husband. Even though I was off-plan, I still didn't do *that* bad.

Noon: we started our day late and went out for a late breakfast. I had 3/4 of an omelet with cheese, bacon, ham & sausage in it. I also had 1 piece of lightly buttered toast with strawberry jam.

4pm: we shared some appetizers as an early dinner at one of our favorite german restaurants: swiss fondue with bread & sausage, scotch eggs (I ate one), chicken schnitzel strips.

9pm: large handful of pistachios

I stuck to calorie-free beverages all day.

Exercise: none besides normal daily activities and running errands with husband

Weight: no change from previous day, down 8.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 12.8lbs from heaviest weight

Day 9: Here's what I want

This chapter is about taking a quiz about how we want to be treated as we travel down our weight loss paths. Do I want to be praised or complimented when you notice I've lost weight? Do I want to be chastised when you see me eating something that's not on my diet?

Yes, I do want to be praised or complimented when you notice my weight loss, BUT not in front of others. Do it privately to me please. I don't want the attention nor the opportunity for the conversation to turn to MY weight and/or diet.

No, I do not want to be chastised when you see me eating something that is off plan. It's my body and you can be assured that I've made a conscious choice.

Fortunately, all of this is not news to my husband and he already gives me perfect support. It's everyone else I worry about.

Yesterday's Foods:

10:30am: Medifast oatmeal, sugar free Red Bull with sugar free raspberry syrup.

2:30pm: Medifast smores crunch bar

6pm: salmon fillet, shells in garlic cream sauce, green beans, SF Hawaiian Punch

9:30pm: Medifast caramel nut bar

11pm: Medifast puffs

Exercise: Treadmill 61 min, 2.5 speed, no incline, 2.5 miles, 260 calories burned

Weight: down 2.2lbs from previous day, down 8.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 12.8lbs from heaviest weight

Day 8: Help me, please...

Ugh.

This chapter is a hard one for me to read. I know that I will need to remember this chapter and come back and read it many times.

It is about setting boundaries and expectations with friends and family regarding your diet and/or progression.

In case you haven't read my previous posts,

I HATE TALKING ABOUT MY WEIGHT!!!

Period.

I hate talking about weight, diet, clothing size, exercise, what is fattening and what is not, etc etc etc. I hate ANY attention on me regarding my body size. Negative or positive, I hate it all.

Fortunately, in my household it is just my husband and myself so I do not have the stress of other family members being around daily. My husband is the most awesome support I could ever ask for. He wants to lose some weight as well an is still figuring out what plan is going to work for him best. I do 95% of the grocery shopping and meal planning so I have a lot of control over what we have in the house and what we eat. And thank God hubby is not a fussy eater. He's happy with just about anything I put in front of him.

When on a plan such as Medifast, trips out to eat at restaurants are greatly reduced. I am pretty content with this but I know my husband misses it. So I am making a point for us to go out at least once a week or so. I can either make the decision to go off plan for that meal or to order a meal that fits into the lean & green.

But as always, I DREAD any upcoming family gatherings. I don't mind at all getting together with my husband's family and actually don't feel any anxiety at the thought of them noticing my weight loss or food choices and commenting. But my family? Oh GAWD I dread that. So many of them are so judgmental of me and I just feel like a complete loser around them.

Yesterday's Foods:

8:30am: Medifast oatmeal

9am: triple iced latte

11:30am: Medifast chicken noodle soup, Medifast garden veggie crackers

3pm: Medifast puffs

5:30pm: We went out with friends but I stuck to the restaurant's very-well-stocked salad bar. I did have some of the pasta salad that was offered and a bit of the fruit salad.

10pm: Medifast chocolate pudding with 2 tsp of fat free cool whip.

Exercise: none besides normal daily activities

Weight: down .2lbs from previous day, down 6lbs since starting back on MF, down 10.6lbs from heaviest weight

Day 7: I can do it!

In this chapter the author congratulates us on being on the plan for a whole week and encourages us to be our own cheerleader to keep going.

She recommends repeating encouraging phrases to ourselves to motivate us along. She listed several example phrases but the last one she listed stood out to me:

Others have done it and so can I!

This really sums up why I am determined to be successful on Medifast this time. I personally know 6 people who in the past year have lost at least 40lbs on the plan, several of them losing a lot more than that. If they can do it, so can I!

I keep those people in my mind as inspiration and I look forward to the day when I can tell them personally that they were part of my inspiration to lose my weight.

Yesterday's Foods:

10am: Medifast dutch choc shake with 1 tsp of PB Plantation peanut butter mixed in.

11am: triple iced latte

1pm: Medifast chicken noodle soup and Medifast apple cinnamon soy crisps

4pm: Medifast chocolate crunch bar, Diet Pepsi

6pm: BBQ pulled pork (no bun), baked beans, green salad

9pm: Medifast caramel nut bar

Exercise: none besides normal daily activities

Weight: down .4lbs from previous day, down 5.8lbs since starting back on MF, down 10.4lbs from heaviest weight

Day 6: Protect your program

This chapter starts out with this sentence:

"No one will ever care as much about your diet plan as you."

Amen, sister!

The author then goes on to stress that we are the only ones who can protect our diet plan and not let others tempt us off the path if we do not want to leave it.

To me, this boils down to one clear thought: Don't be a victim! Take control of your own destiny.

She urges us at social functions if we do not want to eat or to eat any more than we already have, to simply say "not just yet." to the person offering it. She urges us to avoid talking about our diet plans and I completely agree. Of course, if you've read my earlier posts, you already know how I feel about talking about weight and diet!

As I've discussed before, I've already started to feel some anxiety about people noticing my weight loss. Part of me wishes I could just go away and hide for a year, come out 100 lbs lighter and get all the "notices" done with at once.

But this time I am not going to allow my anxiety to derail my weight loss plans. Yes, I HATE talking about my weight and diet but I know people will comment or ask so I will be forced to discuss it some. But I do plan to put some boundaries in place and let people know that, although I thank them for noticing and appreciate their support, I do NOT want to talk about it.

This will probably hurt some feelings.

I have a few close girlfriends to whom I will confide what I am doing when I am ready to do so. But right now, only my husband is aware.

Yesterday's Foods:

am: Medifast chocolate crunch bar and 1/3 of a triple iced latte

noon: Medifast chicken noodle soup, Medifast garden veggie crackers, more of the iced latte

3pm: Medifast parmesan cheese puffs

5pm: oriental stir fry with turkey and vegetables served over brown & wild rice with some shredded Monterrey jack cheese on top. Sugar free Hawaiian Punch.

9:30pm: Medifast cinnamon pretzels, SF Hawaiian Punch

11pm: cheated with some cheese, ham and chips. (gotta be honest...) I do crave carbs really bad right before my period and this was just a few days before my period started.

Exercise: Treadmill 50 min, 2.5 speed, 2% incline, 2 miles, 228 calories burned

Weight: no change from previous day, down 5.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 10.0lbs from heaviest weight

Day 5: Magic notebook

Day 5: Magic Notebook

The author of this book heavily encourages us to journal our weight loss plan. I've heard this before. I've heard several times over the years that it is very helpful to write down everything you eat everyday. But I've never done it until now.

Even if I don't get the chance to read a chapter and update this blog every day, I do jot down a note about everything I eat and the time I ate it. I also log my treadmill activity every time I use it.

I have an iPhone and I use the Notes application to keep my food diary. I also keep my treadmill log in there but periodically transfer the entries to a spreadsheet I keep. It is very encouraging to see the total time spent, calories burned and miles traveled on the treadmill build up.

So, apparently the "people" who told me that keeping a food diary would help were right. I do think twice about everything I put in my mouth knowing there will be a record of it. I'm being honest on my food journal. When I eat something I shouldn't, it still gets recorded. But I am finding that being accountable to my blog audience (of which at this point I think is only me but that is ok) does greatly help in keeping me on The Path.

The author recommends that when we think about or crave a particular food, we record it in our food diary as something we can enjoy in the future. That way we can let go of the obsessive thought and move on. I'm going to try that next time I get a craving for something sinful.

Yesterday's Foods:

am: Medifast oatmeal and part of a triple iced latte

11am: Medifast dutch chocolate shake with the rest of the latte mixed into it instead of water

3pm: Medifast chili nacho puffs, Zero Water

5pm: ham & eggs

8pm: Medifast chocolate pudding with 2 tsp of fat free cool whip and about 10-12 chocolate chips mixed in.

Exercise: Treadmill 49 min, 2.5-2.6 speed, 2% incline, 2 miles, 224 calories burned

Weight: down 1.6lbs from previous day, down 5.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 10.0lbs from heaviest weight

Day 4: Boundaries, not diets

Day 4: Boundaries, not diets

I love this chapter! This chapter talks about envisioning one's diet or exercise plan as a road with flexible boundaries. Some days I can stay on the straight and narrow, never veering off the road and on other days, I can allow myself to veer off a bit as long as I get right back on the road when I'm done. Keeping this visual in my head has greatly helped me keep on track.

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: Medifast apple cinnamon oatmeal and a triple iced latte

11am: Medifast smores crunch bar

1pm: Medifast chicken noodle soup and medifast garden vegetable crackers plus a sugar free red bull with sugar free raspberry syrup

3pm: Medifast puffs

5pm: scallops, mushrooms & peas in a swiss cheese sauce over brown & wild rice; green salad with shredded sharp cheddar cheese, green olives, 5 pistachios, blue cheese dressing, croutons and a few chinese noodles.

late evening: I am writing this post several days after the fact and although I did not diary it, I believe that I did give in late at night and have some cheese and crackers. BAD!!

Exercise:

no time on treadmill :(

Weight: UP 1.6lbs from previous day (YIKES!), down 3.8lbs since starting back on MF, down 8.6lbs from heaviest weight

Day 3: Do it anyway

Yesterday I was successful in my endeavor to work my shift at the community fair and NOT partake of any of the yummy but oh-so-fattening "fair food." Before I left the house, I emptied a package of Medifast Puffs into a small ziploc bag, a package of Medifast Pretzels into another bag and filled my large travel cup with a mixture of Sugar Free Red Bull, unsweetened iced tea and ice.

I ate the MF Puffs on the way to the fair location and drank the drink during my 2-hour shift. I worked the booth with two other women, both of whom ate an ice cream cone in the booth. I was not tempted.

I do admit, though, that I was VERY tempted by the people who visited our booth who were carrying elephant ears. The site and smell of them made my stomach growl but I told myself there will be days in the future when I can enjoy an elephant ear, but NOT today.

Immediately after my shift, I left the fair and did not walk around to look at other booths, etc. I had some shopping to do so I ate the pretzels on my way to the store.

When I got home, I was very hungry so I made a large salad with lots of shrimp on top and I dug in!

Last time that I was on MF, I would plan "cheat" days to give me something to look forward to. I've heard that you should not reward yourself with food but rather with something else in order to create new and healthier habits. I've tried thinking that way but it didn't work. I KNOW that I will not be successful on this if I don't allow myself to step off now and then. Otherwise, due to the large amount of weight that I need to lose, it feels in my head like a never-ending road of limited food choices.

This time around, I am not using the word "cheat" in my head but rather I am using the word "detour" to describe the times or days I will stop off my weight loss plan and enjoy some of my favorite foods.

Right now I have no definite day in the future planned for my first Detour. I do know that it will probably be within the next week as I doubt I will be able to contentedly stay on plan for too many more consecutive days. I keep repeating the popular addiction-recovery mantra in my head "one day at a time." I also repeat the phrase from Day 1 of the book I'm reading:

I used to be that way but now I'm different.

Right now only my husband knows that I am back on the weight-loss road. I told my brother-in-law about how Medifast works and that I was going to go back on it last week so he will probably notice my food choices the next time we are together and ask me about it. I'm ok talking with him about it but will ask him to keep it quiet.

I'm already growing nervous and anxious about people starting to notice my weight loss and inevitable comments and/or questions about it. But I cannot let my abhorrence of talking about the subject of my weight to derail my again. I HAVE to get over it!

Day 3: Do it Anyway

This chapter further talks about the ways in which being interested in something differs from being truly committed to it. The author gives examples of getting up off the couch and exercising even though you don't feel like it, or taking the time to prepare healthy meals that fit your weight-loss plan even though you don't feel like it.

Oh, do I EVER get that!!

So many days, I don't feel like getting up and exercising. And too often, I don't. But I NEVER regret when I do exercise and ALWAYS regret it when I don't. And regrets lead to stress. Seems to be a pretty simple equation in there, dontcha think? Oh, of it were only that easy.

So far today, I have pretty much spent it on the couch watching old movies and either blogging or playing games on my laptop. A bit part of this is that I woke up this morning with a giant allergy attack and headache and just cannot get motivated. After I write this, I am going to go take a short nap in hopes it will help with the headache. Later this evening I WILL exercise on my treadmill, even if I only do one mile.

So today I will do it anyway.

Assignment:

In your journal, make a list of actions you plan to stick with today, regardless of how you feel at the moment.

Today I am going to stick to my diet plan, regardless that I don't feel well and would love some "comfort food."

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: Medifast Oatmeal, triple iced latte

Noon: Medifast Caramel Crunch Bar

1:30pm: Medifast Puffs, SF Red Bull mixed with unsweetened iced tea

4:30pm: Medifast Pretzels, Diet Barqs Root Beer

6pm: large salad with baby shrimp, sharp shredded cheddar cheese, 4 green olives, sunflower seeds. I did have my high fat blue cheese dressing that I love as well as my favorite croutons.

Dessert: 1 SF Popsicle

8pm: SF Hawaiian Punch

Late night: 2 SF Popsicles

Exercise: Treadmill 46 min, 2-2.5 speed, 2% incline, 1.75 miles, 209 calories burned

Weight: down .4lbs from previous day, down 5.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 10.0lbs from heaviest weight

(Note: I wrote this entry several days ago and then got very busy with work and have not been able to get back here to edit it and post it. I did NOT exercise on the day I wrote this as I promised myself. I did go down for a nap but was very lethargic after I got up and still had a bad headache.)

Day 2: Interested or committed?

Day 2: Interested or committed?

This chapter talks about the difference between being merely interested in losing weight and being committed to it. When we are merely interested, we are easily swayed from our diet when opportunities arise to have our favorite foods. When attending a party, going out with friends, or simply having a bad day, we easily convince ourselves that it is OK to go off our diet for a little while to enjoy.

When we are committed, we may not stay on our diet 100% of the time, but we make a conscience choice to pick the times when we stray very carefully, get right back on our diet immediately after and stay on our diet even at some of the parties or at the end of those bad days.

Wow, does this chapter ever ring true for me! So many times I have started full-bore on a weight-loss plan only to fall right off at the first opportunity. I do this for a combination of reasons:

• I don't want anyone to question why I'm not eating. That might start a conversation about my diet and weight! If you've read my previous posts, you know how I feel about that!
• I don't want to deny myself. A lot of this stems from the extended periods of time in my life when I was denied foods due to my Crohn's Disease. I've also talked about this in an earlier post.
• I quickly convince myself that I can slip off this "one time" but I will get right back on the wagon. Yeah, that doesn't usually happen. When I slip off, I'm usually off for several days or end up completely abandoning my weight-loss plan all together.
• I tell myself that there is plenty of time in the future for dieting but right NOW I'm going to enjoy myself. Yeah, that's just not working anymore. Every day that I'm not on a plan for weight-loss is one more day I will stay heavy. I envision myself at a healthy weight but it's not going to happen overnight, in one month, and very possibly not even in one year. I need to be on that path NOW and I need to stay on it. If I veer off, it needs to be a VERY short detour and I must get back on the main path ASAP.

I don't think I have ever truly committed myself to my weight-loss plan. Although last December when I was back on Medifast shortly, I did attend my church's Christmas party and did not eat anything. So that is a good example for me to remember that I CAN attend a party and stay on plan.

I'm famous for my stubbornness so this interested vs committed thing should be easy for me, right? right?

Assignment:

Decide that you will always be committed to your weight-loss plan, not just interested.

OK, I'm working hard on that. The past few days I've reminded myself several times why I am doing this and to stay committed. That has helped me to make better food choices and greatly helped while I was grocery shopping and planning our meals for the next few weeks.

In your journal, describe how you will stick to your program, no matter what.

This blog is my journal. Today I am scheduled to go work a shift for an organization I belong to at our booth at a community fair. Like all community fairs, there will be a sorts of yummy "fair food" like corn dogs (my favorite), french fries, elephant ears (another favorite) readily available for sale there. I'm not going to buy or eat a single thing. Before I leave, I will have a medifast meal and I will pack some medifast snacks in my purse (out of their packages of course so no one knows what I'm snacking on! Yes, I know, silly.). And I will take a big travel cup with a mixture of unsweetened iced tea and Sugar Free Red Bull.

It's only a 2-hour shift and since my husband works tonight, he will not be with me so the temptations will be minimized.

The past few days have been over 100 degrees here and since we don't have central A/C, I've stayed off my treadmill. I figure I've sweated out nearly all the calories I would have burned on the treadmill. But today it will only be in the 80's so I will do 2-3 miles today on the treadmill, either before I head to the community fair or this evening. No matter what.

Do at least one thing today that demonstrates you are truly committed. For example, take a walk or eat your vegetables - no matter what.

Under the previous task I described how I plan to stay ON plan today despite anticipated temptations and my commitment to hit the treadmill today.

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: I attended my Rotary Club meeting and did have breakfast there. 2 veggie sausage patties, small serving of an egg/potato/ham/cheese bake, 3 strawberries, 6-8 blueberries, 6-8 green grapes, mini poppy seed muffin, mini banana nut muffin. One small square of dark chocolate that was passed around.

About half of my usual triple iced latte.

Mid-day: MF chicken noodle soup and MF crackers.

Late afternoon: MF parmesan cheese puffs, 2 sugar-free popsicles

Dinner: grilled skinless/boneless chicken thighs, 1 serving of Knorr Parmesan pasta dish, green salad with some sharp cheddar shredded cheese, 4 small green olives, sunflower seeds, low fat blue cheese yogurt dressing and topped with a few chinese noodles. One sugar free popsicle.

Dessert: MF chocolate pudding with 2tbs of Fat Free Cool Whip stirred in.

Late Night: nothing!

Exercise: None besides usual daily activities and grocery shopping.

Weight: down 1.8lbs from previous day, down 5lbs since starting back on MF, down 9.6lbs from heaviest weight

7/9/10: Check-in

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: MF dutch chocolate shake, triple iced latte.

Mid-day: small serving of leftover pasta salad

Late afternoon: MF chocolate crunch bar

Dinner: grilled hamburger patty with melted cheddar cheese (no bun), 1tsp of blue cheese dressing to dip hamburger bites into, grilled hot dog (no bun), large serving of green beans, broccoli, peas, cauliflower in a light butter garlic sauce.

Dessert: nothing

Late Night: 1 measured serving (150 cal) of Nacho Cheese Dorritos and one string cheese.

Exercise: None besides usual daily activities.

Weight: did not weight previous day, down 3.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 7.8lbs from heaviest weight

Day 1: I used to be that way

Day 1: I used to be that way

The first paragraph hit home with me. "You are so determined to make this program work. This time you really want to stay on your weight-loss plan and reach your goal. But deep inside, you may be afraid you haven't changed at all and that you'll quit your program long before the 100 days are up."

YEP.

I don't think I have ever stayed on a weight-loss plan consistently for 100 straight days. I fall off after the first month or few weeks or even a few times after just a day or two. And I even admit that a few times I've started the day with an attitude of "this is IT. I'm going to lose this weight" and by the evening I've fallen off the wagon.


So, yes, I am afraid I won't complete this. I am hoping that by posting my daily progress here I will be a lot more accountable to myself. I may not do one of the "days" every day and that is ok. Linda talks in her book that some people may need more than 100 days to complete the 100-Day Plan as life does get in the way. But as that happens, I will pick up where I left off and continue down the path.

This first lesson starts right off with a great lesson. "Change your thinking"

In regards to falling off the wagon and abandoning a weight-loss plan, she writes "Stop right there! Your past does not determine your future. In fact, your previous failures have absolutely no effect on your ability to succeed now. Staring today, eliminate the belief that things always go a certain way or that you never stay with your goals. Whenever those doubts creep back in, immediately give yourself this new message:

I used to be that way, but now I'm different!"

Assignment:

1. Make a list of any fears or negative behaviors that have hurt your weight-loss success in the past. Read each one out loud, and then say, "I used to be that way, but now I'm different."

Fear: I will fail and people will know. I am such a type-A-never-disappoint-everything-has-to-be-perfect person that this is a big one for me. I HATE, HATE, HATE talking about my weight. This stems from being a fat kid and teenager and some of the horribly cruel things that were done and said to me by other kids. I also have a lot of anxiety about my weight and my family, especially my Dad. I know he loves me but he was quite hard on me in my teenage years when I was overweight and made it known he was embarrassed to have a fat daughter. When I am around him and other people in my family, I just feel like a huge, fat, ugly loser.

I only discuss my weight with my husband who is unbelievably supportive and loves me no matter what the scale or the tag on my clothes says. I also have 2 girlfriends that I sort of feel ok discussing weight with. They both struggle too but I'm heavier than both of them. And of course I can talk about it with my doctor.

Whenever I start on a new weight-loss plan, I never tell anyone but my husband and (maybe) my doctor. I don't even tell the girlfriends. I am so afraid of anyone knowing I failed that it is easier to just not tell anyone.

Fear: Talking about my weight. I have recently come to realize that due to my enormous fear of talking about my weight, when I start to lose weight, I both crave attention from those around me to notice and also at the same time I dread them noticing. I crave the attention as validation that I'm doing something right and I dread it as I know I will be asked what I am doing or they will remark that they notice and right in that I would be forced to talk about weight. Stupid, I know. But I think this dread is part of what is sabotaging me in gaining success in losing.

Negative Behavior: I'm a foodie. I have a very severe case of Crohn's Disease and have had 9 bowel resections. During my hospital stays (2-3 weeks at a time) for each of those surgeries, I spent most of the time with a tube down my nose to suck the juices out of my stomach and had nothing by mouth so that my bowel could rest and heal.

I've also spent years of my life while sick with CD in which my diet was very limited. No popcorn, nuts, seeds, berries, etc.

It is due to these experiences that it is so hard for me to turn down my favorite foods during the times I am healthy enough to enjoy them. And I don't think that anyone who has not experienced weeks or months of life being denied any food or beverage could understand.

I LOVE movie theater popcorn and when I am healthy, I feel it is impossible for me to enjoy going to a movie without a big tub of buttered popcorn on my lap. I am going to really try to break this and a goal that I have during my 100 days is to go to the movies and take 1 (or 2) of my Medifast snacks with me and enjoy them and a Diet Coke during the movie. I might also look for some sort of sugar-free candy or something similar I could try.

Negative Behavior: I don't make my health a priority. Along with my Type-A personality, I also have a good case of ADD in that I often don't stick to things to finish them completely and too often over-schedule myself. I just can't turn the brain off.

Because of this, I have a very hard time fitting in the time required to prepare meals for healthy eating and to exercise. They aren't priorities in my day. Other, stupid stuff seems to always win out (watching tv, playing a computer game, Facebook, shopping, etc).

2. Then write new endings for them by completing this sentence: I used to _________ (fill in your old behavior), but now I __________ (write in your new ending).

I used to fear failure, but now I will embrace failure, learn from it and strive to do better.

I used to fear talking about my weight, but now I will keep in mind that most everyone struggles with weight and self-image issues and I will embrace those who offer me support.

I used to find it hard to resist my favorite foods and would over-indulge, but now I allow myself some treats but keep the serving size reasonable and get right back on my plan afterward. I will also not allow every treat that comes my way but be choosier about what is worth stepping off plan for.

I used to not make my health a priority, but now I am making myself and my goal to a healthy weight a priority. I have a lot of weight to lose that will take a bit of time and every day that goes by that I'm not on a path to losing is another day I am away from being at goal.

3. Read these new outcomes often, and then live in a way that makes them true.

This was from the Day 1 segment of the book which I read several days ago. I've been mulling it over in my head and decided to start blogging my progress so right now I'm going to go read Day 2's entry and post again.

Back to Blogging

OK, so I haven't posted in over NINE months. WOW. Didn't realize it had been that long until I counted up the months.

No weight loss. Weight gain if anything. I've gained 5-7 pounds since last Fall. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself and it has just got to STOP.

I started on Medifast again around the start of the year as a girlfriend of mine started on it so I though maybe I would have more success knowing we had each other for support. She had success on it. Once again my CD flared up a bit and I left the plan after only 2 weeks or so.

Yes, I have a chronic illness that is sensitive to prepared foods and the "green" in the lean & green meals. But I have to find a solution that works for me and stop using the CD as an excuse to stay fat.

I'm missing out on things in life and holding myself back because of my weight. And that is so ridiculous. I know my professional life is affected. I don't have a professional head shot of myself to use in advertising because I HATE having my picture taken. So I avoid the camera at all costs.

When friends or family do manage to snap a picture of me, put it up on Facebook and then tag me, I untag myself right away. I've only allowed a select few of tagged pictures to remain so.

I feel awkward in social situations. Compared to other women, I just feel completely ugly and GROSS. So I find myself not wanting to go to social functions and to just hide away in my house or to only go out with certain friends around whom I don't feel awkward.

In the past couple of years when I am at a family or social function, I find myself looking around the room and notice that I am the heaviest person in the room. My heart hurts every time I notice that and it contributes to my feelings of self-loathing, depression and further spirals bad food choices and emotional eating.

So I am starting back on Medifast again, although altered to include some wild rice, whole grain pasta, etc to hopefully keep the CD monster at bay. I know this will slow the weight loss but I'm hoping the time I spend on the treadmill will help balance that out. I also have a bunch of MF food left and cannot afford to waste it.

This time I will stay on MF until the food is gone. I will have to purchase some more of the oatmeal as it is my favorite of all the MF foods and I only have 7-8 packets left. I also want to try the recently released brownies.

When the food is nearly gone, I will assess how I am doing on it and how I am feeling. If all is going ok, I'll order more. If not doing ok, I'm probably going to try Nutrisystem.

My husband needs to lose weight too but we cannot afford for both of us to be on a prepared-food system such as MF or NS at the same time so he is going to start making better choices and allow me to go full-bore on a plan. God bless him.

I've also started reading the book 100 Days of Weight Loss: The Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan by Linda Spangle. The book has a chapter to read each day for 100 days and many of the days have "homework" to complete as well. I'm going to complete those assignments here on this blog as much as possible.

Wish me luck!

Switching Gears

So after one week back on MF I was again having some of the same problems I developed last spring. One of those problems is the complete BOREDOM with the food. It is so limiting and of everything they offer, I only like about 60% of the products. I recently sold on eBay all the MF products that I didn't like. It's nice to get some of that money back.

The other problem is related to my Crohn's Disease. After 5-6 days of sticking to MF, my body just starts to go nuts. Too much green stuff! I can tolerate veggies pretty well but apparently day after day of lots of veggies and no starches my body gets upset.

Well, since starches and grains are not allowed on MF, I knew I had to find a different solution.

Since I'm a numbers person, I decided to go with Weight Watchers. I know my weightloss will be slower than it is on MF but I think I can stick to it easier since more variety is allowed.

I've calculated the WW points on my remaining MF products and are continuing to eat those along with other foods. For instance, the MF oatmeal (which I LOVE and is the ONLY oatmeal I can tolerate) is only 1 point!

I was also getting absolutely no support from my MF coach and considering the cost of the MF products, my monthly subscription to WW online ($17) will be saving me considerable money.

So, still on the path of weightloss, just decided to take a different route!

One Week Mark

So today marks one week back "on the wagon" for me. Overall I think the first week went ok. It could have been better but not being on plan at all would have been worse. I lost 4-5lbs so that is good.

Last night's dinner was left over chinese food, baked salmon (had some thawed in the fridge that needed to get cooked) and a big green salad. I was only able to eat about half of the chinese food/salmon so I will be having that tonight again along with another big green salad.

Last night I gave into the late-night munchies and cheated. I'm not sure why I did it. I was looking forward to crawling into bed and watching the season premieres of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters that I had recorded on the DVR and for some reason I had a strong craving for cheese and crackers. So I gave in. Tonight will be better. I will have a MF bar late tonight before bed. I promise!

Today has been....

11am: MF oatmeal
12:30pm: MF honey mustard pretzels
3:30pm: MF chicken noodle soup and MF garden vegetable crackers

I've been spending a LOT of time alone lately due to my husband's work schedule and his recent illness (sinus infection). This has me feeling down a bit and I'm also really missing my mom lately so that doesn't help. I know that eating when I feel depressed is not the answer so I will have to try harder to resist the urges and cravings.

Doing OK

I'm doing ok with staying pretty "on plan." Not perfect. But OK.

Last Thursday we met a family member for dinner at Famous Dave's. The guys had big plates of ribs but I ordered the salmon. I've had their salmon before and it is super yummy. We ordered the catfish tenders for an appetizer. We had never had catfish before so we were curious to try them. I only ate two of them and left the rest for the guys.

So not perfect. But OK.

The salmon is served on a bed of onion straws and comes with a cornbread muffin and a small piece of corn on the cob. It also comes with a choice of two sides. I chose the baked beans and the fries. Baked beans good. Fries bad. I know.

The kitchen forgot to include the corn on the cob on my plate but I did not complain. The fewers carbs put in front of me the better!.

I ate all of the salmon, about half of the onion straws (again, super yummy and hard to resist!), half of the fries (love their fries), a few bites of the baked beans (can't handle too much of those) and all of the corn muffin (LOVE those!). I also had an iced tea with one packet of Equal in it.

So not perfect. But OK.

I left a lot of food on my plate but did eat all of the salmon.

I can't remember everything I had on Friday but I did stick completely to Plan including abstaining from any of my husband's late night crackers and cheese snack that looked very good. I had a MF bar instead. Our dinner on Friday night was grilled turkey burgers (no bun) with low fat swiss cheese, roasted asparagus and big green salads.

My CD kicked up Friday night which can happen if I've had a week heavy on raw veggies. So Saturday I did go off plan and avoided raw veggies. Hubby was sick so after we took him to urgent care for some meds , he wanted hot & sour soup from our local Chinese restaurant.

I got several items from them for us to eat at home. Sizzling Beef & Scallops (over pan fried noodles) for me, an order of BBQ pork to share, an order of potstickers for him (I had two) and an order of fried wontons (really bad I know but I love them). I didn't overeat and there is still quite a bit left. It will be dinner tonight along with a big salad.

Cheese often helps calm down my CD so last night I had a snack of chedder, swiss and some veggies crisps. I also cheated with some candy corn.

So far today I'm on plan. A MF shake for breakfast, MF chili for lunch, and MF cinnamon sugar soy crisps for snack.

I'm down 4 pounds in one week so I feel good about that. Today at church I sat next to my MF coach (and good friend) and her husband. Although I wouldn't want her to know this as I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, it is very hard to be around her at church.

She has had phenomenal success on MF and looks fabulous. When friends at church greet her, so many of them compliment her. Don't get me wrong. She totally deserves it. But standing next to her I just feel like this fat, ugly failure. Today one of our friends came over and hugged me hello. She then hugged my MF coach-friend and made the comment "hi Skinny."

Ouch.

I know. It's shallow. But this is my place where I can be completely honest how I am feeling with no fear of who I will hurt or how it will be construed.

It hurts to see her success and know my failures.

A lot.

But my struggles are my own and I have to take one day at a time.

Pointed in the right direction

Yay! So, three full days back on "plan" and I'm down 2.6lbs. Overall I'm down 14.4lbs from my starting weight back in March. I have a long way to go but seeing the scale move down is a good move.

Yesterday I had a MF Chicken Noodle soup and white cheddar soy crisps for lunch, a MF Oatmeal Raisin bar for snack, a large salad with grilled chicken for dinner, MF chocolate pudding for dessert and a MF bar late at night.

This morning I slept late and started my day with a MF Oatmeal.

Tonight we are taking a friend out to eat and I will attempt to stay on "plan" with a lean and green but a big juicy hamburger sure does sound good!

OK, So Not So Perfect....

OK, so yesterday went well but I did succumb to the late-night munchie cravings and had some low-fat chips and american cheese. I know. Carbs late at night. Bad, bad, bad.

This week is proving to be very stressful. My main computer is down and at my IT guy's office so I am working off my laptop. Saturday our DVD player in the bedroom broke. Today I woke up to no internet and after some trouble-shooting with Comcast we determined that the router is the problem. Hubby worked last night so he's asleep until this afternoon. So that means I can't work in the living room from the laptop (and comfortably in front of the tv...) but instead have to be at an uncomfortable table where I can plug directly into the cable modem since a wireless connection is out right now.

argggghhhhhhhh

10:30am: MF dutch choc shake with some powdered pb added in.