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OK, so I haven't posted in over NINE months. WOW. Didn't realize it had been that long until I counted up the months.

No weight loss. Weight gain if anything. I've gained 5-7 pounds since last Fall. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself and it has just got to STOP.

I started on Medifast again around the start of the year as a girlfriend of mine started on it so I though maybe I would have more success knowing we had each other for support. She had success on it. Once again my CD flared up a bit and I left the plan after only 2 weeks or so.

Yes, I have a chronic illness that is sensitive to prepared foods and the "green" in the lean & green meals. But I have to find a solution that works for me and stop using the CD as an excuse to stay fat.

I'm missing out on things in life and holding myself back because of my weight. And that is so ridiculous. I know my professional life is affected. I don't have a professional head shot of myself to use in advertising because I HATE having my picture taken. So I avoid the camera at all costs.

When friends or family do manage to snap a picture of me, put it up on Facebook and then tag me, I untag myself right away. I've only allowed a select few of tagged pictures to remain so.

I feel awkward in social situations. Compared to other women, I just feel completely ugly and GROSS. So I find myself not wanting to go to social functions and to just hide away in my house or to only go out with certain friends around whom I don't feel awkward.

In the past couple of years when I am at a family or social function, I find myself looking around the room and notice that I am the heaviest person in the room. My heart hurts every time I notice that and it contributes to my feelings of self-loathing, depression and further spirals bad food choices and emotional eating.

So I am starting back on Medifast again, although altered to include some wild rice, whole grain pasta, etc to hopefully keep the CD monster at bay. I know this will slow the weight loss but I'm hoping the time I spend on the treadmill will help balance that out. I also have a bunch of MF food left and cannot afford to waste it.

This time I will stay on MF until the food is gone. I will have to purchase some more of the oatmeal as it is my favorite of all the MF foods and I only have 7-8 packets left. I also want to try the recently released brownies.

When the food is nearly gone, I will assess how I am doing on it and how I am feeling. If all is going ok, I'll order more. If not doing ok, I'm probably going to try Nutrisystem.

My husband needs to lose weight too but we cannot afford for both of us to be on a prepared-food system such as MF or NS at the same time so he is going to start making better choices and allow me to go full-bore on a plan. God bless him.

I've also started reading the book 100 Days of Weight Loss: The Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan by Linda Spangle. The book has a chapter to read each day for 100 days and many of the days have "homework" to complete as well. I'm going to complete those assignments here on this blog as much as possible.

Wish me luck!