Day 5: Magic notebook

Day 5: Magic Notebook

The author of this book heavily encourages us to journal our weight loss plan. I've heard this before. I've heard several times over the years that it is very helpful to write down everything you eat everyday. But I've never done it until now.

Even if I don't get the chance to read a chapter and update this blog every day, I do jot down a note about everything I eat and the time I ate it. I also log my treadmill activity every time I use it.

I have an iPhone and I use the Notes application to keep my food diary. I also keep my treadmill log in there but periodically transfer the entries to a spreadsheet I keep. It is very encouraging to see the total time spent, calories burned and miles traveled on the treadmill build up.

So, apparently the "people" who told me that keeping a food diary would help were right. I do think twice about everything I put in my mouth knowing there will be a record of it. I'm being honest on my food journal. When I eat something I shouldn't, it still gets recorded. But I am finding that being accountable to my blog audience (of which at this point I think is only me but that is ok) does greatly help in keeping me on The Path.

The author recommends that when we think about or crave a particular food, we record it in our food diary as something we can enjoy in the future. That way we can let go of the obsessive thought and move on. I'm going to try that next time I get a craving for something sinful.

Yesterday's Foods:

am: Medifast oatmeal and part of a triple iced latte

11am: Medifast dutch chocolate shake with the rest of the latte mixed into it instead of water

3pm: Medifast chili nacho puffs, Zero Water

5pm: ham & eggs

8pm: Medifast chocolate pudding with 2 tsp of fat free cool whip and about 10-12 chocolate chips mixed in.

Exercise: Treadmill 49 min, 2.5-2.6 speed, 2% incline, 2 miles, 224 calories burned

Weight: down 1.6lbs from previous day, down 5.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 10.0lbs from heaviest weight

Day 4: Boundaries, not diets

Day 4: Boundaries, not diets

I love this chapter! This chapter talks about envisioning one's diet or exercise plan as a road with flexible boundaries. Some days I can stay on the straight and narrow, never veering off the road and on other days, I can allow myself to veer off a bit as long as I get right back on the road when I'm done. Keeping this visual in my head has greatly helped me keep on track.

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: Medifast apple cinnamon oatmeal and a triple iced latte

11am: Medifast smores crunch bar

1pm: Medifast chicken noodle soup and medifast garden vegetable crackers plus a sugar free red bull with sugar free raspberry syrup

3pm: Medifast puffs

5pm: scallops, mushrooms & peas in a swiss cheese sauce over brown & wild rice; green salad with shredded sharp cheddar cheese, green olives, 5 pistachios, blue cheese dressing, croutons and a few chinese noodles.

late evening: I am writing this post several days after the fact and although I did not diary it, I believe that I did give in late at night and have some cheese and crackers. BAD!!

Exercise:

no time on treadmill :(

Weight: UP 1.6lbs from previous day (YIKES!), down 3.8lbs since starting back on MF, down 8.6lbs from heaviest weight

Day 3: Do it anyway

Yesterday I was successful in my endeavor to work my shift at the community fair and NOT partake of any of the yummy but oh-so-fattening "fair food." Before I left the house, I emptied a package of Medifast Puffs into a small ziploc bag, a package of Medifast Pretzels into another bag and filled my large travel cup with a mixture of Sugar Free Red Bull, unsweetened iced tea and ice.

I ate the MF Puffs on the way to the fair location and drank the drink during my 2-hour shift. I worked the booth with two other women, both of whom ate an ice cream cone in the booth. I was not tempted.

I do admit, though, that I was VERY tempted by the people who visited our booth who were carrying elephant ears. The site and smell of them made my stomach growl but I told myself there will be days in the future when I can enjoy an elephant ear, but NOT today.

Immediately after my shift, I left the fair and did not walk around to look at other booths, etc. I had some shopping to do so I ate the pretzels on my way to the store.

When I got home, I was very hungry so I made a large salad with lots of shrimp on top and I dug in!

Last time that I was on MF, I would plan "cheat" days to give me something to look forward to. I've heard that you should not reward yourself with food but rather with something else in order to create new and healthier habits. I've tried thinking that way but it didn't work. I KNOW that I will not be successful on this if I don't allow myself to step off now and then. Otherwise, due to the large amount of weight that I need to lose, it feels in my head like a never-ending road of limited food choices.

This time around, I am not using the word "cheat" in my head but rather I am using the word "detour" to describe the times or days I will stop off my weight loss plan and enjoy some of my favorite foods.

Right now I have no definite day in the future planned for my first Detour. I do know that it will probably be within the next week as I doubt I will be able to contentedly stay on plan for too many more consecutive days. I keep repeating the popular addiction-recovery mantra in my head "one day at a time." I also repeat the phrase from Day 1 of the book I'm reading:

I used to be that way but now I'm different.

Right now only my husband knows that I am back on the weight-loss road. I told my brother-in-law about how Medifast works and that I was going to go back on it last week so he will probably notice my food choices the next time we are together and ask me about it. I'm ok talking with him about it but will ask him to keep it quiet.

I'm already growing nervous and anxious about people starting to notice my weight loss and inevitable comments and/or questions about it. But I cannot let my abhorrence of talking about the subject of my weight to derail my again. I HAVE to get over it!

Day 3: Do it Anyway

This chapter further talks about the ways in which being interested in something differs from being truly committed to it. The author gives examples of getting up off the couch and exercising even though you don't feel like it, or taking the time to prepare healthy meals that fit your weight-loss plan even though you don't feel like it.

Oh, do I EVER get that!!

So many days, I don't feel like getting up and exercising. And too often, I don't. But I NEVER regret when I do exercise and ALWAYS regret it when I don't. And regrets lead to stress. Seems to be a pretty simple equation in there, dontcha think? Oh, of it were only that easy.

So far today, I have pretty much spent it on the couch watching old movies and either blogging or playing games on my laptop. A bit part of this is that I woke up this morning with a giant allergy attack and headache and just cannot get motivated. After I write this, I am going to go take a short nap in hopes it will help with the headache. Later this evening I WILL exercise on my treadmill, even if I only do one mile.

So today I will do it anyway.

Assignment:

In your journal, make a list of actions you plan to stick with today, regardless of how you feel at the moment.

Today I am going to stick to my diet plan, regardless that I don't feel well and would love some "comfort food."

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: Medifast Oatmeal, triple iced latte

Noon: Medifast Caramel Crunch Bar

1:30pm: Medifast Puffs, SF Red Bull mixed with unsweetened iced tea

4:30pm: Medifast Pretzels, Diet Barqs Root Beer

6pm: large salad with baby shrimp, sharp shredded cheddar cheese, 4 green olives, sunflower seeds. I did have my high fat blue cheese dressing that I love as well as my favorite croutons.

Dessert: 1 SF Popsicle

8pm: SF Hawaiian Punch

Late night: 2 SF Popsicles

Exercise: Treadmill 46 min, 2-2.5 speed, 2% incline, 1.75 miles, 209 calories burned

Weight: down .4lbs from previous day, down 5.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 10.0lbs from heaviest weight

(Note: I wrote this entry several days ago and then got very busy with work and have not been able to get back here to edit it and post it. I did NOT exercise on the day I wrote this as I promised myself. I did go down for a nap but was very lethargic after I got up and still had a bad headache.)

Day 2: Interested or committed?

Day 2: Interested or committed?

This chapter talks about the difference between being merely interested in losing weight and being committed to it. When we are merely interested, we are easily swayed from our diet when opportunities arise to have our favorite foods. When attending a party, going out with friends, or simply having a bad day, we easily convince ourselves that it is OK to go off our diet for a little while to enjoy.

When we are committed, we may not stay on our diet 100% of the time, but we make a conscience choice to pick the times when we stray very carefully, get right back on our diet immediately after and stay on our diet even at some of the parties or at the end of those bad days.

Wow, does this chapter ever ring true for me! So many times I have started full-bore on a weight-loss plan only to fall right off at the first opportunity. I do this for a combination of reasons:

• I don't want anyone to question why I'm not eating. That might start a conversation about my diet and weight! If you've read my previous posts, you know how I feel about that!
• I don't want to deny myself. A lot of this stems from the extended periods of time in my life when I was denied foods due to my Crohn's Disease. I've also talked about this in an earlier post.
• I quickly convince myself that I can slip off this "one time" but I will get right back on the wagon. Yeah, that doesn't usually happen. When I slip off, I'm usually off for several days or end up completely abandoning my weight-loss plan all together.
• I tell myself that there is plenty of time in the future for dieting but right NOW I'm going to enjoy myself. Yeah, that's just not working anymore. Every day that I'm not on a plan for weight-loss is one more day I will stay heavy. I envision myself at a healthy weight but it's not going to happen overnight, in one month, and very possibly not even in one year. I need to be on that path NOW and I need to stay on it. If I veer off, it needs to be a VERY short detour and I must get back on the main path ASAP.

I don't think I have ever truly committed myself to my weight-loss plan. Although last December when I was back on Medifast shortly, I did attend my church's Christmas party and did not eat anything. So that is a good example for me to remember that I CAN attend a party and stay on plan.

I'm famous for my stubbornness so this interested vs committed thing should be easy for me, right? right?

Assignment:

Decide that you will always be committed to your weight-loss plan, not just interested.

OK, I'm working hard on that. The past few days I've reminded myself several times why I am doing this and to stay committed. That has helped me to make better food choices and greatly helped while I was grocery shopping and planning our meals for the next few weeks.

In your journal, describe how you will stick to your program, no matter what.

This blog is my journal. Today I am scheduled to go work a shift for an organization I belong to at our booth at a community fair. Like all community fairs, there will be a sorts of yummy "fair food" like corn dogs (my favorite), french fries, elephant ears (another favorite) readily available for sale there. I'm not going to buy or eat a single thing. Before I leave, I will have a medifast meal and I will pack some medifast snacks in my purse (out of their packages of course so no one knows what I'm snacking on! Yes, I know, silly.). And I will take a big travel cup with a mixture of unsweetened iced tea and Sugar Free Red Bull.

It's only a 2-hour shift and since my husband works tonight, he will not be with me so the temptations will be minimized.

The past few days have been over 100 degrees here and since we don't have central A/C, I've stayed off my treadmill. I figure I've sweated out nearly all the calories I would have burned on the treadmill. But today it will only be in the 80's so I will do 2-3 miles today on the treadmill, either before I head to the community fair or this evening. No matter what.

Do at least one thing today that demonstrates you are truly committed. For example, take a walk or eat your vegetables - no matter what.

Under the previous task I described how I plan to stay ON plan today despite anticipated temptations and my commitment to hit the treadmill today.

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: I attended my Rotary Club meeting and did have breakfast there. 2 veggie sausage patties, small serving of an egg/potato/ham/cheese bake, 3 strawberries, 6-8 blueberries, 6-8 green grapes, mini poppy seed muffin, mini banana nut muffin. One small square of dark chocolate that was passed around.

About half of my usual triple iced latte.

Mid-day: MF chicken noodle soup and MF crackers.

Late afternoon: MF parmesan cheese puffs, 2 sugar-free popsicles

Dinner: grilled skinless/boneless chicken thighs, 1 serving of Knorr Parmesan pasta dish, green salad with some sharp cheddar shredded cheese, 4 small green olives, sunflower seeds, low fat blue cheese yogurt dressing and topped with a few chinese noodles. One sugar free popsicle.

Dessert: MF chocolate pudding with 2tbs of Fat Free Cool Whip stirred in.

Late Night: nothing!

Exercise: None besides usual daily activities and grocery shopping.

Weight: down 1.8lbs from previous day, down 5lbs since starting back on MF, down 9.6lbs from heaviest weight

7/9/10: Check-in

Yesterday's Foods:

AM: MF dutch chocolate shake, triple iced latte.

Mid-day: small serving of leftover pasta salad

Late afternoon: MF chocolate crunch bar

Dinner: grilled hamburger patty with melted cheddar cheese (no bun), 1tsp of blue cheese dressing to dip hamburger bites into, grilled hot dog (no bun), large serving of green beans, broccoli, peas, cauliflower in a light butter garlic sauce.

Dessert: nothing

Late Night: 1 measured serving (150 cal) of Nacho Cheese Dorritos and one string cheese.

Exercise: None besides usual daily activities.

Weight: did not weight previous day, down 3.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 7.8lbs from heaviest weight

Day 1: I used to be that way

Day 1: I used to be that way

The first paragraph hit home with me. "You are so determined to make this program work. This time you really want to stay on your weight-loss plan and reach your goal. But deep inside, you may be afraid you haven't changed at all and that you'll quit your program long before the 100 days are up."

YEP.

I don't think I have ever stayed on a weight-loss plan consistently for 100 straight days. I fall off after the first month or few weeks or even a few times after just a day or two. And I even admit that a few times I've started the day with an attitude of "this is IT. I'm going to lose this weight" and by the evening I've fallen off the wagon.


So, yes, I am afraid I won't complete this. I am hoping that by posting my daily progress here I will be a lot more accountable to myself. I may not do one of the "days" every day and that is ok. Linda talks in her book that some people may need more than 100 days to complete the 100-Day Plan as life does get in the way. But as that happens, I will pick up where I left off and continue down the path.

This first lesson starts right off with a great lesson. "Change your thinking"

In regards to falling off the wagon and abandoning a weight-loss plan, she writes "Stop right there! Your past does not determine your future. In fact, your previous failures have absolutely no effect on your ability to succeed now. Staring today, eliminate the belief that things always go a certain way or that you never stay with your goals. Whenever those doubts creep back in, immediately give yourself this new message:

I used to be that way, but now I'm different!"

Assignment:

1. Make a list of any fears or negative behaviors that have hurt your weight-loss success in the past. Read each one out loud, and then say, "I used to be that way, but now I'm different."

Fear: I will fail and people will know. I am such a type-A-never-disappoint-everything-has-to-be-perfect person that this is a big one for me. I HATE, HATE, HATE talking about my weight. This stems from being a fat kid and teenager and some of the horribly cruel things that were done and said to me by other kids. I also have a lot of anxiety about my weight and my family, especially my Dad. I know he loves me but he was quite hard on me in my teenage years when I was overweight and made it known he was embarrassed to have a fat daughter. When I am around him and other people in my family, I just feel like a huge, fat, ugly loser.

I only discuss my weight with my husband who is unbelievably supportive and loves me no matter what the scale or the tag on my clothes says. I also have 2 girlfriends that I sort of feel ok discussing weight with. They both struggle too but I'm heavier than both of them. And of course I can talk about it with my doctor.

Whenever I start on a new weight-loss plan, I never tell anyone but my husband and (maybe) my doctor. I don't even tell the girlfriends. I am so afraid of anyone knowing I failed that it is easier to just not tell anyone.

Fear: Talking about my weight. I have recently come to realize that due to my enormous fear of talking about my weight, when I start to lose weight, I both crave attention from those around me to notice and also at the same time I dread them noticing. I crave the attention as validation that I'm doing something right and I dread it as I know I will be asked what I am doing or they will remark that they notice and right in that I would be forced to talk about weight. Stupid, I know. But I think this dread is part of what is sabotaging me in gaining success in losing.

Negative Behavior: I'm a foodie. I have a very severe case of Crohn's Disease and have had 9 bowel resections. During my hospital stays (2-3 weeks at a time) for each of those surgeries, I spent most of the time with a tube down my nose to suck the juices out of my stomach and had nothing by mouth so that my bowel could rest and heal.

I've also spent years of my life while sick with CD in which my diet was very limited. No popcorn, nuts, seeds, berries, etc.

It is due to these experiences that it is so hard for me to turn down my favorite foods during the times I am healthy enough to enjoy them. And I don't think that anyone who has not experienced weeks or months of life being denied any food or beverage could understand.

I LOVE movie theater popcorn and when I am healthy, I feel it is impossible for me to enjoy going to a movie without a big tub of buttered popcorn on my lap. I am going to really try to break this and a goal that I have during my 100 days is to go to the movies and take 1 (or 2) of my Medifast snacks with me and enjoy them and a Diet Coke during the movie. I might also look for some sort of sugar-free candy or something similar I could try.

Negative Behavior: I don't make my health a priority. Along with my Type-A personality, I also have a good case of ADD in that I often don't stick to things to finish them completely and too often over-schedule myself. I just can't turn the brain off.

Because of this, I have a very hard time fitting in the time required to prepare meals for healthy eating and to exercise. They aren't priorities in my day. Other, stupid stuff seems to always win out (watching tv, playing a computer game, Facebook, shopping, etc).

2. Then write new endings for them by completing this sentence: I used to _________ (fill in your old behavior), but now I __________ (write in your new ending).

I used to fear failure, but now I will embrace failure, learn from it and strive to do better.

I used to fear talking about my weight, but now I will keep in mind that most everyone struggles with weight and self-image issues and I will embrace those who offer me support.

I used to find it hard to resist my favorite foods and would over-indulge, but now I allow myself some treats but keep the serving size reasonable and get right back on my plan afterward. I will also not allow every treat that comes my way but be choosier about what is worth stepping off plan for.

I used to not make my health a priority, but now I am making myself and my goal to a healthy weight a priority. I have a lot of weight to lose that will take a bit of time and every day that goes by that I'm not on a path to losing is another day I am away from being at goal.

3. Read these new outcomes often, and then live in a way that makes them true.

This was from the Day 1 segment of the book which I read several days ago. I've been mulling it over in my head and decided to start blogging my progress so right now I'm going to go read Day 2's entry and post again.

Back to Blogging

OK, so I haven't posted in over NINE months. WOW. Didn't realize it had been that long until I counted up the months.

No weight loss. Weight gain if anything. I've gained 5-7 pounds since last Fall. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself and it has just got to STOP.

I started on Medifast again around the start of the year as a girlfriend of mine started on it so I though maybe I would have more success knowing we had each other for support. She had success on it. Once again my CD flared up a bit and I left the plan after only 2 weeks or so.

Yes, I have a chronic illness that is sensitive to prepared foods and the "green" in the lean & green meals. But I have to find a solution that works for me and stop using the CD as an excuse to stay fat.

I'm missing out on things in life and holding myself back because of my weight. And that is so ridiculous. I know my professional life is affected. I don't have a professional head shot of myself to use in advertising because I HATE having my picture taken. So I avoid the camera at all costs.

When friends or family do manage to snap a picture of me, put it up on Facebook and then tag me, I untag myself right away. I've only allowed a select few of tagged pictures to remain so.

I feel awkward in social situations. Compared to other women, I just feel completely ugly and GROSS. So I find myself not wanting to go to social functions and to just hide away in my house or to only go out with certain friends around whom I don't feel awkward.

In the past couple of years when I am at a family or social function, I find myself looking around the room and notice that I am the heaviest person in the room. My heart hurts every time I notice that and it contributes to my feelings of self-loathing, depression and further spirals bad food choices and emotional eating.

So I am starting back on Medifast again, although altered to include some wild rice, whole grain pasta, etc to hopefully keep the CD monster at bay. I know this will slow the weight loss but I'm hoping the time I spend on the treadmill will help balance that out. I also have a bunch of MF food left and cannot afford to waste it.

This time I will stay on MF until the food is gone. I will have to purchase some more of the oatmeal as it is my favorite of all the MF foods and I only have 7-8 packets left. I also want to try the recently released brownies.

When the food is nearly gone, I will assess how I am doing on it and how I am feeling. If all is going ok, I'll order more. If not doing ok, I'm probably going to try Nutrisystem.

My husband needs to lose weight too but we cannot afford for both of us to be on a prepared-food system such as MF or NS at the same time so he is going to start making better choices and allow me to go full-bore on a plan. God bless him.

I've also started reading the book 100 Days of Weight Loss: The Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan by Linda Spangle. The book has a chapter to read each day for 100 days and many of the days have "homework" to complete as well. I'm going to complete those assignments here on this blog as much as possible.

Wish me luck!