I've been completely off any sort of diet or weight plan for a little over 5 months now and it shows. Anything I had lost, I've gained back. I've got to get a handle on this and get off this path. I need to do it for my health and I need to do it for my self-esteem. I feel like such a complete loser compared to my friends and I'm surprised they are embarrassed to be around me.
So, today I start fresh, anew.
The past few months have been hard, emotionally and I will blog about that stuff in the coming days/weeks. Today is just a short post to declare myself back in the "game."
My first goal is to lost 10% of my current weight by the end of October. Let's see if I can do it....
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thursday, September 23, 2010
worthless...
...that's how I feel today and have felt for the past week.. just worthless. ugly. fat. slow. awkward. embarrassing. disgusting. lazy. incompetent.
So, yes I suppose I'm in the middle of a giant pity party. Free to stop reading at this point. I'll understand.
My plan, as stated in my previous post, to stay on Plan has not gone that well. But the first week of September, my husband made the jump back onto Medifast and we've been doing it together for the past few weeks. We took the weekend of Oktoberfest off to enjoy the festival but then we got right back on plan. So I've been eating good. Not 100% to plan but damn near to it. Calorie intake is way down. And I've been exercising on the treadmill almost everyday. Calorie outflow is way up. But the scale is not way down. Yes, it is down some. Almost 10 pounds in fact but apparently it's not down enough for anyone to notice.
And I suppose that is what has me feeling so down.... NO ONE has noticed. Not one word of encouragement from ANYONE. And I've let quite a few people in my life in on the big "secret" of me being on Medifast. I got a chastising comment from one person on a status update I put on my FB page in regards to being out to breakfast at one of our favorite restaurants during the weekend that we were off plan. So, yeah, that comment hurt and I immediately deleted it. But NO words of encouragement.
My husband has lost weight and I've commented to him that I notice it. But apparently it's not noticeable on me. Do you know what that makes me think? That I'm so hideously and grossly fat that it's going to take a LOT of weight lost before anyone notices anything. sigh.
And it's been another week of feeling like I can't please anyone when it comes to my clients, I've been working long, late nights trying to get caught up, I found out a good friend of mine has entered hospice and is in the last few days of his life, I'm in constant pain with my thumb, wrist, arm and shoulder...and, and, and.....
So, yes, I need to quit with the pity party, pull myself up straight and forge ahead. I know. And I will. But tonight I'm going to wallow for awhile.
So, yes I suppose I'm in the middle of a giant pity party. Free to stop reading at this point. I'll understand.
My plan, as stated in my previous post, to stay on Plan has not gone that well. But the first week of September, my husband made the jump back onto Medifast and we've been doing it together for the past few weeks. We took the weekend of Oktoberfest off to enjoy the festival but then we got right back on plan. So I've been eating good. Not 100% to plan but damn near to it. Calorie intake is way down. And I've been exercising on the treadmill almost everyday. Calorie outflow is way up. But the scale is not way down. Yes, it is down some. Almost 10 pounds in fact but apparently it's not down enough for anyone to notice.
And I suppose that is what has me feeling so down.... NO ONE has noticed. Not one word of encouragement from ANYONE. And I've let quite a few people in my life in on the big "secret" of me being on Medifast. I got a chastising comment from one person on a status update I put on my FB page in regards to being out to breakfast at one of our favorite restaurants during the weekend that we were off plan. So, yeah, that comment hurt and I immediately deleted it. But NO words of encouragement.
My husband has lost weight and I've commented to him that I notice it. But apparently it's not noticeable on me. Do you know what that makes me think? That I'm so hideously and grossly fat that it's going to take a LOT of weight lost before anyone notices anything. sigh.
And it's been another week of feeling like I can't please anyone when it comes to my clients, I've been working long, late nights trying to get caught up, I found out a good friend of mine has entered hospice and is in the last few days of his life, I'm in constant pain with my thumb, wrist, arm and shoulder...and, and, and.....
So, yes, I need to quit with the pity party, pull myself up straight and forge ahead. I know. And I will. But tonight I'm going to wallow for awhile.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Down the rabbit hole
Down the rabbit hole... that's about how I feel that the last month has been for me.
I haven't p
osted since July 27th.... almost a whole month.
During that time I have been busy, busy, BUSY! And I hate to admit it but I will... I got really lazy with the weight loss plans and I have been on and off plan since July 30th with most of it spent OFF.
We had a few weekends in a row of having a garage sale and although I started out with the attitude that I was not going to let that derail my staying on plan, it was quickly abandoned partway through the first day. It was so hot, so chaotic and I was so exhausted that I just gave in to the "run through a drive-thru" or "order pizza" temptations. I knew I was burning a lot more calories than usual with all the activity surrounding the garage sale... lots of digging through boxes, lifting and carrying boxes and tons of moving around and not much sitting around. Plus, lots of sweating! But I suppose all the extra calorie-burning wasn't doing much good since at meal time I was eating high-calorie and high-sodium JUNK!
Oh well. But I promised I would be honest here and to myself and that's what happened.
Then right after our second garage sale was done, I came down with a MASSIVE attack of my Crohn's disease. Had a major blockage in fact that was extremely painful. The blockage cleared after the first day but then my system was just sort of "in shock" and I had to be very careful what I ate. I stayed off plan on purpose and kept to a very limited diet of pasta, cheese, chips (corn based, not wheat), ham, etc. No veggies, fruits (except bananas), whole grains or hard-to-digest meats. I spent a lot of time resting on the couch and took a lot of painkillers.
I let my TSFL Health Coach know what had happened and how I was dealing with it so I did feel accountable to someone. :) She was off enjoying a week of camping with her family but she still kept tabs on me.
It took me several weeks to get over the big CD attack and even now, 3 weeks later, I still get a little sore.
We also had several events planned where I did not want to be on plan... good friends and good food. But I knew I had to re-draw that proverbial line in the sand and get back on plan at some point. So today is that day. Today I am back on plan and will stay so until Friday. We have planned that day to go to the State Fair so I will enjoy that day and then get right back on plan the next day.
After that, I should be able to stay on plan for about the next 3 weeks until our next planned festival day which is the local big Oktoberfest. We actually attend that every year with our good friends who are also my TSFL health coaches so all of us will be straying off plan that day! :) This year some other friends and family will also attend.
My Crohn's attack was not a complete surprise although it was much worse than I had expected it to. In July I experienced a very stressful couple of weeks when one of my family members verbally and emotionally attacked me unprovoked and completely out of nowhere. He also physically threatened my husband and made me very fearful to be home alone. He is a drug addict and (recent) ex-convict who is now obviously showing some mental instability as well.
I had several weeks of experiencing a lot of extreme stress, fear and trouble sleeping. My Crohn's does react to stress that I experience but it is always a delayed reaction so I knew some sort of attack would come.
I weighed myself today and I am up 3.2lbs since my last weigh-in on 7/27. I was pleasantly surprised it was not more. I was expecting a higher number. I have not used my treadmill since 7/19 which is just plain embarrassing. So I've got to get back into the swing of that! We are also possibly buying a used BowFlex system from a good friend so that will be good.
So that's my check-in for today. I plan to continue on with the book I was working through as it is very good and a great daily motivator for me. One obstacle I will have in the next 2 months though is that this time of year I am pretty busy with work deadlines on top of all the personal life stuff. And work deadlines have to take priority over me keeping up with my daily reading and especially, blogging about it.
I haven't p
osted since July 27th.... almost a whole month.During that time I have been busy, busy, BUSY! And I hate to admit it but I will... I got really lazy with the weight loss plans and I have been on and off plan since July 30th with most of it spent OFF.
We had a few weekends in a row of having a garage sale and although I started out with the attitude that I was not going to let that derail my staying on plan, it was quickly abandoned partway through the first day. It was so hot, so chaotic and I was so exhausted that I just gave in to the "run through a drive-thru" or "order pizza" temptations. I knew I was burning a lot more calories than usual with all the activity surrounding the garage sale... lots of digging through boxes, lifting and carrying boxes and tons of moving around and not much sitting around. Plus, lots of sweating! But I suppose all the extra calorie-burning wasn't doing much good since at meal time I was eating high-calorie and high-sodium JUNK!
Oh well. But I promised I would be honest here and to myself and that's what happened.
Then right after our second garage sale was done, I came down with a MASSIVE attack of my Crohn's disease. Had a major blockage in fact that was extremely painful. The blockage cleared after the first day but then my system was just sort of "in shock" and I had to be very careful what I ate. I stayed off plan on purpose and kept to a very limited diet of pasta, cheese, chips (corn based, not wheat), ham, etc. No veggies, fruits (except bananas), whole grains or hard-to-digest meats. I spent a lot of time resting on the couch and took a lot of painkillers.
I let my TSFL Health Coach know what had happened and how I was dealing with it so I did feel accountable to someone. :) She was off enjoying a week of camping with her family but she still kept tabs on me.
It took me several weeks to get over the big CD attack and even now, 3 weeks later, I still get a little sore.
We also had several events planned where I did not want to be on plan... good friends and good food. But I knew I had to re-draw that proverbial line in the sand and get back on plan at some point. So today is that day. Today I am back on plan and will stay so until Friday. We have planned that day to go to the State Fair so I will enjoy that day and then get right back on plan the next day.
After that, I should be able to stay on plan for about the next 3 weeks until our next planned festival day which is the local big Oktoberfest. We actually attend that every year with our good friends who are also my TSFL health coaches so all of us will be straying off plan that day! :) This year some other friends and family will also attend.
My Crohn's attack was not a complete surprise although it was much worse than I had expected it to. In July I experienced a very stressful couple of weeks when one of my family members verbally and emotionally attacked me unprovoked and completely out of nowhere. He also physically threatened my husband and made me very fearful to be home alone. He is a drug addict and (recent) ex-convict who is now obviously showing some mental instability as well.
I had several weeks of experiencing a lot of extreme stress, fear and trouble sleeping. My Crohn's does react to stress that I experience but it is always a delayed reaction so I knew some sort of attack would come.
I weighed myself today and I am up 3.2lbs since my last weigh-in on 7/27. I was pleasantly surprised it was not more. I was expecting a higher number. I have not used my treadmill since 7/19 which is just plain embarrassing. So I've got to get back into the swing of that! We are also possibly buying a used BowFlex system from a good friend so that will be good.
So that's my check-in for today. I plan to continue on with the book I was working through as it is very good and a great daily motivator for me. One obstacle I will have in the next 2 months though is that this time of year I am pretty busy with work deadlines on top of all the personal life stuff. And work deadlines have to take priority over me keeping up with my daily reading and especially, blogging about it.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Day 12: Fuel or filler
Our bodies need the proper fuel to keep us energized. Many of the snack foods we so love are just filler and are not proper fuel for our bodies. We need to be sure we keep on hand (at home, while out and about, when we travel, etc) foods that are better choices as fuel and are not just filler.
We can still have the "filler" foods, we just need to limit the portions and savor the tastes of them.
I really see the evidence of that with Medifast. The Medifast meals are very small and run 90-110 calories each. But I can be really hungry, eat one Medifast meal, and the hunger goes away and I have the energy I need for the next few hours. Within 2-3 hours, my body is reminding me that it's time for another small meal.
This is the part where Medifast really works for me. I own my own company and work from home. When I am not on Medifast, I really struggle with eating breakfast and lunch. My tendency is to skip breakfast and drink my latte (now an americano) as my "breakfast." Then for lunch I would grab whatever I could scrounge up or a diet frozen meal. Or I would not eat and end up searching out chips and other snacks late in the afternoon. I would overeat at dinner and then continue to snack throughout the evening.
My energy levels SUCKED and I could feel my blood sugar was wildly up and down. And I'm not diabetic. My moods and my ability to concentrate was also all over the board and often I had days when I felt I got *nothing* done.
Now that I am a few weeks back into being on Medifast, I am reminded how I felt last year when I was on it. My blood sugar is level, my energy is up, my concentration is better and I'm getting a lot done during the day and clearing my desk of some of those awful piles. And I don't have to figure out what to eat. I have a choice of all the MF items (the ones I like) throughout the day.
So I do eat every 2-3 hours and usually by 4:30pm (when I start making dinner) I've had 3 MF meals, sometimes 4. I am hungry for dinner, but not dying for it.
Dinners do take some planning. Planning for what to have. Shopping for the ingredients. And pulling out items from the freezer to defrost in time to cook them. And constantly searching for and thinking up new meals that fit (mostly) within the Medifast "lean and green" parameters.
Last time I was on MF I know that a lot of my undoing was the pure boredom from the food that was available for me to eat when I was on plan. Towards the end I got lazy with the dinners and felt that if I saw another grilled porkchop and green salad I was going to murder someone.
Now, I look forward to dinner. I look forward to preparing it and I look forward to enjoying eating it with my husband.
I also keep some of the Medifast meals (cheese puffs, pretzels, soy crisps) in the back of my vehicle so if I find myself out and about and hungry, I have something I can eat while driving and therefore can fend off the urge to buy fast food.
Yesterday's Foods:
9:30am: Medifast oatmeal
noon: Medifast oatmeal raisin bar
4pm: Medifast dark chocolate shake with coffee/water mixed in
5pm: bonesless skinless chicken thighs, pasta, green beans
11pm: Medifast chocolate pudding, 1 tsp PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter, 15 choc chips, 2 tsp fat free Cool Whip
Exercise: Treadmill 35 min, 2.5 speed, no incline, 1.5 miles, 154 calories burned; 1.5 mile walk with the dogs outside
Weight: down 1.4lbs from previous day, down 10.8lbs since starting back on MF, down 15.4lbs from heaviest weight
We can still have the "filler" foods, we just need to limit the portions and savor the tastes of them.
I really see the evidence of that with Medifast. The Medifast meals are very small and run 90-110 calories each. But I can be really hungry, eat one Medifast meal, and the hunger goes away and I have the energy I need for the next few hours. Within 2-3 hours, my body is reminding me that it's time for another small meal.
This is the part where Medifast really works for me. I own my own company and work from home. When I am not on Medifast, I really struggle with eating breakfast and lunch. My tendency is to skip breakfast and drink my latte (now an americano) as my "breakfast." Then for lunch I would grab whatever I could scrounge up or a diet frozen meal. Or I would not eat and end up searching out chips and other snacks late in the afternoon. I would overeat at dinner and then continue to snack throughout the evening.
My energy levels SUCKED and I could feel my blood sugar was wildly up and down. And I'm not diabetic. My moods and my ability to concentrate was also all over the board and often I had days when I felt I got *nothing* done.
Now that I am a few weeks back into being on Medifast, I am reminded how I felt last year when I was on it. My blood sugar is level, my energy is up, my concentration is better and I'm getting a lot done during the day and clearing my desk of some of those awful piles. And I don't have to figure out what to eat. I have a choice of all the MF items (the ones I like) throughout the day.
So I do eat every 2-3 hours and usually by 4:30pm (when I start making dinner) I've had 3 MF meals, sometimes 4. I am hungry for dinner, but not dying for it.
Dinners do take some planning. Planning for what to have. Shopping for the ingredients. And pulling out items from the freezer to defrost in time to cook them. And constantly searching for and thinking up new meals that fit (mostly) within the Medifast "lean and green" parameters.
Last time I was on MF I know that a lot of my undoing was the pure boredom from the food that was available for me to eat when I was on plan. Towards the end I got lazy with the dinners and felt that if I saw another grilled porkchop and green salad I was going to murder someone.
Now, I look forward to dinner. I look forward to preparing it and I look forward to enjoying eating it with my husband.
I also keep some of the Medifast meals (cheese puffs, pretzels, soy crisps) in the back of my vehicle so if I find myself out and about and hungry, I have something I can eat while driving and therefore can fend off the urge to buy fast food.
Yesterday's Foods:
9:30am: Medifast oatmeal
noon: Medifast oatmeal raisin bar
4pm: Medifast dark chocolate shake with coffee/water mixed in
5pm: bonesless skinless chicken thighs, pasta, green beans
11pm: Medifast chocolate pudding, 1 tsp PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter, 15 choc chips, 2 tsp fat free Cool Whip
Exercise: Treadmill 35 min, 2.5 speed, no incline, 1.5 miles, 154 calories burned; 1.5 mile walk with the dogs outside
Weight: down 1.4lbs from previous day, down 10.8lbs since starting back on MF, down 15.4lbs from heaviest weight
Monday, July 19, 2010
Day 11: Two purposes of food
This chapter stresses that we need to keep in mind that there are two purposes for food:
1. To fuel our bodies
2. To appreciate flavors
In other words, don't eat because you are upset or just bored!
Such simple advice. And so true. I need to keep that in my head.
The late nights when my husband works are the hardest. I get lonely and I find myself craving snacks. But if I'm good, and eat a Medifast meal after dinner, I'm usually able to fend off the snack monster. I also keep in my head the advice from an earlier chapter; that I can have that late-night snack at a later date.
Yesterday's Foods:
9:15am: half of a Slim Fast shake (had to eat on the run on the way to church). I could not afford to order more of the Medifast ready-to-drink shakes right now so I did some research and found out that the Slim Fast Low Carb shakes are the best tasting and safest replacement. "Safe" meaning the closest in nutritional value and carb content to Medifast shakes as opposed to other brands of shakes out there. The Slim Fast Low Carb shakes are almost 200 calories though and that is equal to about two Medifast meals so I purposefully did not drink the whole shake.
12:15pm: Medifast chicken & wild rice soup with some oyster crackers, sugar free Red Bull.
3pm: Medifast brownie
5pm: grilled porkchop, a bit of leftover pulled pork, baked beans, green salad
8pm: 2 Otterpops (25 cal each but not sugar free)
10pm: Medifast fruit & nut crunch bar
Exercise: none besides normal daily activities.
Weight: down 1.2lbs from previous day, down 9.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 14lbs from heaviest weight
1. To fuel our bodies
2. To appreciate flavors
In other words, don't eat because you are upset or just bored!
Such simple advice. And so true. I need to keep that in my head.
The late nights when my husband works are the hardest. I get lonely and I find myself craving snacks. But if I'm good, and eat a Medifast meal after dinner, I'm usually able to fend off the snack monster. I also keep in my head the advice from an earlier chapter; that I can have that late-night snack at a later date.
Yesterday's Foods:
9:15am: half of a Slim Fast shake (had to eat on the run on the way to church). I could not afford to order more of the Medifast ready-to-drink shakes right now so I did some research and found out that the Slim Fast Low Carb shakes are the best tasting and safest replacement. "Safe" meaning the closest in nutritional value and carb content to Medifast shakes as opposed to other brands of shakes out there. The Slim Fast Low Carb shakes are almost 200 calories though and that is equal to about two Medifast meals so I purposefully did not drink the whole shake.
12:15pm: Medifast chicken & wild rice soup with some oyster crackers, sugar free Red Bull.
3pm: Medifast brownie
5pm: grilled porkchop, a bit of leftover pulled pork, baked beans, green salad
8pm: 2 Otterpops (25 cal each but not sugar free)
10pm: Medifast fruit & nut crunch bar
Exercise: none besides normal daily activities.
Weight: down 1.2lbs from previous day, down 9.4lbs since starting back on MF, down 14lbs from heaviest weight
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day 10: Appreciate good support
This chapter is about how to receive compliments and how to respond to them. We need to not respond in any way negative or the person may feel that their compliment does not mean anything to us.
I so struggle with this. As I've written before, I long for people to notice my weight loss but at the same time I soooo dread it! I just do NOT want to talk about my weight and/or diet.
Due to this inner struggle, I am guilty of not giving compliments when I should. Over the past year I've known several people who lost a good amount of weight on Medifast. I haven't given a single one of them a compliment.
I feel really bad about that.
I just can't get the words out as that would start a discussion about weight and attention on me and the weight I need to lose.
Wow. Makes me sound like a horrible person, doesn't it?
Yesterday's Foods: Yesterday I took a day off plan and enjoyed the day with my husband. Even though I was off-plan, I still didn't do *that* bad.
Noon: we started our day late and went out for a late breakfast. I had 3/4 of an omelet with cheese, bacon, ham & sausage in it. I also had 1 piece of lightly buttered toast with strawberry jam.
4pm: we shared some appetizers as an early dinner at one of our favorite german restaurants: swiss fondue with bread & sausage, scotch eggs (I ate one), chicken schnitzel strips.
9pm: large handful of pistachios
I stuck to calorie-free beverages all day.
Exercise: none besides normal daily activities and running errands with husband
Weight: no change from previous day, down 8.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 12.8lbs from heaviest weight
I so struggle with this. As I've written before, I long for people to notice my weight loss but at the same time I soooo dread it! I just do NOT want to talk about my weight and/or diet.
Due to this inner struggle, I am guilty of not giving compliments when I should. Over the past year I've known several people who lost a good amount of weight on Medifast. I haven't given a single one of them a compliment.
I feel really bad about that.
I just can't get the words out as that would start a discussion about weight and attention on me and the weight I need to lose.
Wow. Makes me sound like a horrible person, doesn't it?
Yesterday's Foods: Yesterday I took a day off plan and enjoyed the day with my husband. Even though I was off-plan, I still didn't do *that* bad.
Noon: we started our day late and went out for a late breakfast. I had 3/4 of an omelet with cheese, bacon, ham & sausage in it. I also had 1 piece of lightly buttered toast with strawberry jam.
4pm: we shared some appetizers as an early dinner at one of our favorite german restaurants: swiss fondue with bread & sausage, scotch eggs (I ate one), chicken schnitzel strips.
9pm: large handful of pistachios
I stuck to calorie-free beverages all day.
Exercise: none besides normal daily activities and running errands with husband
Weight: no change from previous day, down 8.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 12.8lbs from heaviest weight
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day 9: Here's what I want
This chapter is about taking a quiz about how we want to be treated as we travel down our weight loss paths. Do I want to be praised or complimented when you notice I've lost weight? Do I want to be chastised when you see me eating something that's not on my diet?
Yes, I do want to be praised or complimented when you notice my weight loss, BUT not in front of others. Do it privately to me please. I don't want the attention nor the opportunity for the conversation to turn to MY weight and/or diet.
No, I do not want to be chastised when you see me eating something that is off plan. It's my body and you can be assured that I've made a conscious choice.
Fortunately, all of this is not news to my husband and he already gives me perfect support. It's everyone else I worry about.
Yesterday's Foods:
10:30am: Medifast oatmeal, sugar free Red Bull with sugar free raspberry syrup.
2:30pm: Medifast smores crunch bar
6pm: salmon fillet, shells in garlic cream sauce, green beans, SF Hawaiian Punch
9:30pm: Medifast caramel nut bar
11pm: Medifast puffs
Exercise: Treadmill 61 min, 2.5 speed, no incline, 2.5 miles, 260 calories burned
Weight: down 2.2lbs from previous day, down 8.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 12.8lbs from heaviest weight
Yes, I do want to be praised or complimented when you notice my weight loss, BUT not in front of others. Do it privately to me please. I don't want the attention nor the opportunity for the conversation to turn to MY weight and/or diet.
No, I do not want to be chastised when you see me eating something that is off plan. It's my body and you can be assured that I've made a conscious choice.
Fortunately, all of this is not news to my husband and he already gives me perfect support. It's everyone else I worry about.
Yesterday's Foods:
10:30am: Medifast oatmeal, sugar free Red Bull with sugar free raspberry syrup.
2:30pm: Medifast smores crunch bar
6pm: salmon fillet, shells in garlic cream sauce, green beans, SF Hawaiian Punch
9:30pm: Medifast caramel nut bar
11pm: Medifast puffs
Exercise: Treadmill 61 min, 2.5 speed, no incline, 2.5 miles, 260 calories burned
Weight: down 2.2lbs from previous day, down 8.2lbs since starting back on MF, down 12.8lbs from heaviest weight
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